Sometimes I feel unwanted. There are moments when I struggle to feel as if someone else loves me. I so desire to be loved, but it feels like there is a gulf between me and everyone else.
This scenario happens in my significant other relationship so often. It shows up in other friendships and work relationships. I just feel isolated from everyone else.
It is easy for me to get into the feeling where I feel unwanted. The place where I think I’m walking alone. The place where I want to crawl into my cave or hide on an island all to myself. It happens far too often.
The one thing I have learned though is that when I feel unwanted, something is going on in my life. Usually, I cannot put this into words. It may be an experience from my past. It could be a trigger. There may be some layer of my life that is trying to heal, and it is just overwhelming.
When I feel unwanted, it impacts all my relationships. I push people away. I block off what I need in life. To me, it feels like I’m protecting myself, but in all reality, I’m separating myself from that which I need.
I am learning to share this with those that I closely trust. No, that isn’t easy. When I’m in the middle of where I feel unwanted, the last thing I want to do is reach out. The last thing I want to do is say anything to anyone. It is almost as if I like the negative pleasure or the sadness, even though I despise it.
When I reach out and share what I’m feeling with my significant other or a very close friend, I find something unusual happens. Instead of the rejection and separation that I think are the only things that exists, I find there is so much more.
In the moment when I share what is going on inside me, even if I can’t explain it or understand it, I open up the door beyond my fortified walls. I open up to a connection of the heart of another person. With that energy that begins to flow at that moment, I find strength and support.
I find resolve and a forward motion where I felt stuck before I opened up to someone in a vulnerable moment. What I need is beyond the door that I shut.
Maybe this doesn’t always work out as smoothly as I’m stating here, but the act of speaking up for ourselves, especially when we were abused, is critical to life. Learning to state what we need and how we need it is something that we never learned. Practicing this gives us so much more.
We sometimes imprison ourselves because of past hurts and experiences. The thing is, we have the choice to reverse that. Will it be easy to do this? No! It takes courage and vulnerability, but if we don’t, we sentence our lives to misery, despair and being separated.
I know, it isn’t easy when you’re in this moment, but as I have learned in my own life, the more I do this, the better off I am. When I feel unwanted, there is more to the picture than I am seeing. Separation from others will not solve that feeling.