Something tells me that there is peace, warmth, and sunlight on the other side. I will arrive soon.
Give a hooray, I’m making progress in life and it feels so good!
I am finishing week 18 of my food detox. The first few weeks were stressful, but I made it through pretty well. It is getting easier to adjust as I go. As I continue, I begin to become aware that I am detoxing all areas of my life. The things that are leaving me are things that do not serve me well.
By week 12 I was feeling great and more comfortable in my body. There was a consistent improvement in my energy, digestion, and weight; but then the bottom dropped out. Three weeks ago, I found myself in a period of extreme grief and loss due to a life-altering change. These are the times that test everything you have learned, know, and believe. I have fallen further than I thought possible.
I could act as if, move on, let go, think positive, but none of those things is a quick or easy answer to falling this hard. None of those things magically fix the heartbreak, the pain, the grieving without moving through it. When there is a wall of grief and pain ahead, all the positivity in the world and thoughts and prayers alone do not lift it.
The answer is to climb, go around, or find my way through. The answer is to listen to my body in all of its humanness, and allow it to go in the direction it needs. What that means is to allow every emotion to come through — in an appropriate manner and place, without intentionally inflicting hurt on others — and to release it. That means to allow it to come through with close friends and family who will understand, or in a safe therapeutic environment as I have found in Unified Therapy.
If you had seen and heard me on that fateful night, you would have thought I was having a breakdown. Yes, I looked and sounded like I “lost it.” For many hours I denied it, screamed in anger, cried, begged. I wanted to smash things. I wanted to burn things. Although nothing was smashed or burned, I thought my life was over.
And it was. At least the life I knew.
Without realizing it, I was going through every stage of grief in a few days, so quickly, so intensely. It felt like a firestorm that engulfed me and everything around me. Some of the physical symptoms that had gone away in the last year came back intensely for a few days, then improved again.
Part of making progress in life is to acknowledge the fall. Even though I seemingly “lost it,” I was allowing the intensity of the feelings to come out as they needed to. What I eventually will find is peace. The deepest, purest, most comforting peace I can imagine. I feel it in the periods between the grieving. Those in-between periods will increase with time.
I can choose to let it all go now, a little at a time, or avoid it and suffer endlessly. It is my choice. I have been through many stressful times before. Many times I have chosen to stuff it, repress it, pretend it is not there, smile, and brush it under the proverbial rug. In all of those times past, it only brought prolonged suffering and a merry go round of pain that I relived again and again. The thing I feared would happen if I allowed myself to let go, happened anyway. It just took many years longer than necessary.
Making progress in life by picking myself up.
Today I choose to find my way out. With every ounce of myself, I pick myself up. I put on my headgear and test the wall of grief in my way. Is it made of concrete or brick? A mountain made of dirt or rock? Does a forest of brush and thorns stand before me, or is it a frozen river to swim through to get to a distant shore? Is it as solid and immovable as it seems, or is it a facade, a painted but heavy curtain that blocks my way?
I test it. No point in ramming my head into something made of brick. Brick does not bend to flesh. I put my hand up to it. What will it take to get through this grief? I feel it, sense it, push against it. Then I pound it with my fists and arms. It bends. It begins to move. Could it be that this wall I see is just an illusion? Can I push through and end up with only a few cuts and scrapes? Or will I end up falling into an unseen valley to the rocks below?
I put on my gear, take a deep breath, scream at the top of my lungs and lower my head as I charge forward through the darkness. Something tells me that there is peace, warmth, and sunlight on the other side. I will arrive soon. I know because I have experienced it recently in smaller ways with past hurts. This period of grief is just a deeper, heavier one to move through.
That is making progress in life.
As I go through my detox, I am aware that I am detoxing all areas of my life. The things that are leaving me are things that do not serve me well and the things that stay nourish my heart and my soul. I will embrace all of the heartache and sadness, as well as the joy and happiness that there is for me. That is making progress in life. That is living fully. Learning how to let it all go is the best way that I know to find what I need in the brighter, bigger future ahead.
“Lose what needs to be lost, to find what needs to be found” (From the movie E-motion)
– Marie (Natural Healing Gal)
Dog Training, Qigong