One thing we do when we are hurting it seems is we end up pushing support away when we need it most. If you don’t do this, please write the book that tells everyone else how not to do it!
It is a normal human feature I believe to be pushing support away when we really need it. Our protection behavior and skills go into full force and wrap us in a cocoon to keep us separate from all threats. Unfortunately, we perceive support in the same way as a threat. This is more than a mental process. It is a body reaction from what we learned early on in our life.
We don’t let anyone in, or we keep them at arm’s length. If you’re like me, you perceive EVERYONE as the enemy, not just the proven threats. Fear grows and increases, Numbing takes over your life. Before long, life doesn’t appear in the way that everyone else sees it. It becomes something it is not.
Pushing support away is a big issue for survivors of trauma and child abuse. After all, most of the time the ones that were meant to protect us were the ones hurting us. In trauma, things were out of our control, and so nothing feels safe. This moment translates over into the rest of our lives. Pushing support away becomes the standard and the norm from which we operate.
Unfortunately, the side effect of pushing support away is that what we need and long for, we disconnect from in our lives. The very sustenance we so desire, we block and build a wall up not letting it in. When we are aware of this, we go further into our cave screeching and clawing at anyone who dares to enter past our cocoon.
The more we alienate those around us that genuinely care and are there to support us, the more they feel dejected. It causes them to feel like there is nothing they can do to support us, and so they begin to move on in their life. After all, if all you get as a supporter is screeching and clawing, it does not make one feel attracted to you. There are two sides to what happens when we are pushing support away.
When I Am Pushing Support Away
Yes, I know how difficult this can be. When I get to moments that are triggering in life or when the abuse memories slap the daylights out of me, I withdraw and hide. I see everyone around me regardless of who they are as enemies. I do this by thinking they are being mean or uncaring. It feels like they are the problem, not the solution. To me, I see them as a pain in the backside and someone that I do not want anywhere close to me.
It wasn’t that long ago that I went through one of these episodes. I had convinced my mind that someone close to me was out to hurt me and was the cause of my problems. My mind was not seeing anything clearly, but you could not convince my mind that I was doing this. It felt like someone had shoved me away. This is the level of fear and numbing I had reached in my life. I kept pushing the person away and getting angrier each day as I did.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
As someone close to me has said, “if you continue to push someone away, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you will get what you do not want.” They are correct, and I had to wake up and think about that one.
Pushing support away is something we all tend to do at some point. To reverse it, you have to change how you feel, think, and view what is going on. You need to be aware that you are doing this and make a conscious decision to say, “that’s not the way I want this to go.” Yes, it may require you confronting what you perceive to be true in your life at that moment, because it may be failing you. Step beyond what you think and go in and challenge it. If it is true for your life, you will know and feel it in your body. If it is not a truth for your life, you will start looking for ways to change the discussion.
Moving The Stuck Energy
I find that time out in nature or taking walks can help me find my way through this. It isn’t a time to chastise one’s self because that only makes it worse. If you are pushing support away, acknowledge it and then search for ways to reverse the course. Change what you are doing and sometimes that involves doing the opposite of what you are currently doing. It can be that simple.
Whatever form it takes, let that stuck energy of pushing support away from those who care about you, shift into something different. Get creative with how you can do this, but don’t sit there and let that stuck energy take control. It does not have your best interest in mind.